How We Operate
by AdAbolendam
Summary: "Phil," she sighed. "You can't lose something you never had." Spoilers for 4X08


**The day after 4x08, where do May and Coulson go from "No place I'd rather be"?**

* * *

Anytime past eight in the morning was a late start for the Agents of SHIELD, but Coulson had made breakfast as a subtle "Welcome Home" gesture for Daisy and his teammates were enjoying themselves for a change. He was glad for once to not be the one to tell them they had to get back to work. Slowly, FitzSimmons, Mack and Elena filed out of the common room with mutters of thanks to Coulson and hugs or pats on the back to Daisy, until it was only he, May and Daisy were left.

"Mace wants a full update of all my activities for the past few months. He said it with this goofy grin like he thought I was drinking and partying every night," Daisy complained. "It's not like I was having fun for the last six months. I was tracking down the Watchdogs: crashing their accounts, following leads, and sometimes, crossing them off."

"Sounds like fun to me," May commented, taking another sip of tea.

Coulson's lips twitched. The women in his life had a twisted concept of "fun."

"That's just Mace. You'll get used to it," he explained. "And speaking about drinking and partying, what was going on the night Mack and I tracked you down to that underground speakeasy in Portland?"

Daisy's eyes bugged out and she tried not to choke on her coffee.

"You guys were there that night?" She squeaked.

"We arrived just before you left," Coulson affirmed. "On the arm of a strapping young man. His Rising Tide alias was 'Thor'sHammer69', I believe?"

Daisy groaned and covered her face, trying to hide an unmistakable blush.

"He's an old friend from my hacking days and…he had that name way before Thor ever…it was just one time and… I just needed to blow off some steam, alright?"

"I thought I trained you better than that, Daisy," May chastised. "When you want to hide an indiscretion, the less said, the better."

Daisy may have been recovering from embarrassment, but she still managed a cheeky retort.

"Is that why you're so quiet all of the time, May?" She goaded. "How many 'indiscretions' are you hiding?"

May followed her own advice and merely smiled enigmatically before taking another drink from her mug.

Coulson glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, feeling his own face grow warm. He hoped that Daisy was out-of-practice enough that she wouldn't notice anything off about the two of them. Not that they had done anything could be labelled "indiscreet." He was certainly having some thoughts in that direction after last night though.

The moment was broken with the squeak of boots on polished concrete floors as Agent Piper entered the common area.

"Sorry to interrupt, Ma'a—May," Piper began.

"That's alright, Piper," Coulson offered. He knew May would just stare at her until Piper managed to sputter out her request, if he did not cut in. "Do you need to borrow May?"

"Yes, Sir," Piper said, her eyes still locked on May. "The Strike Team just received the latest goggles from Agent Fitz and we wanted to run a few drills for field testing."

May nodded.

"I'll be along in a minute," she said. "Thank you, Agent Piper."

Piper gave a short, mute nod, turned on her heel and walked at a clipped pace to the gym.

"Woah! She's got it bad for you, May." Daisy said.

"Well, who could blame her?" Coulson could not help adding.

May covered her smile with a roll of her eyes.

"It's getting pretty obvious, isn't it?" She asked.

"Totally," Daisy affirmed.

"Pretty bad," Coulson agreed.

"Damnit," May muttered. "Piper's a good agent. I trust her. If I have to reassign her to another team, it's going to take forever to train someone to take her place."

"Aw, you don't really have to do that, do you?" Daisy asked.

"I hope not," May said. "But feelings like that can compromise you in the field. I've seen it happen more times I'd like."

Coulson shoveled a forkful of waffle in his mouth and took his time chewing to distract himself from the twinge in his gut that had nothing to do with Agent Piper.

"Give her a chance," he said, when he swallowed. "We all have to learn to compartmentalize our personal feelings when it comes to the job. She'll work it out."

May spared him a quick glance before finishing off the rest of her tea.

"Alright," she announced. "Back to work."

Daisy continued her narrative of her time away from the base where she had left off, very obviously omitting any more references to Thor'sHammer69. Coulson listened as best he could, but his thoughts began to wander.

There was only so much longer he and May could dance around the new element to their dynamic. They were going to have to address it sooner or later. He was less sure than ever that he knew how it would end.

* * *

The knock on his door came as he was halfway through a glass of scotch and his field report from the mission that had ended in Robbie's disappearance and Morrow's demise.

"Come in," he said, distractedly.

He half-glanced at May when she closed the door behind her.

"I'm not sure what I should put under 'method of containment,'" he said. "What did Radcliffe call that thi—woah, are you okay?"

Other than the dark circles under her eyes, May looked physically fine. There was an aura of dejection and exhaustion around her though that her poker-face could not hide.

She sat down hard on his bed in lieu of an answer.

"Drink?" He offered, raising the half-empty bottle of whiskey.

"Please," she replied.

"Piper?"

May nodded and reached for the glass he held out to her. She took a long swallow before elaborating.

"I had to reassign her," she admitted.

"Damn," he said sympathetically.

"She came to me, actually," May explained. "Told me that she had feelings for me. She admitted that it was preventing her from performing as well as she could have."

"She asked for the reassignment?" Coulson asked.

"Sort of," she said. "She told me it was my call. But, she had this look…"

Coulson studied the contents of his own glass.

"She hoped you felt the same way," he offered.

"Yeah," May said.

She drained the rest of her drink in one swallow.

"I hate that I had to be that person."

This was the worst time possible to have this conversation. Coulson knew that before he even opened his mouth. But he also realized that there had not been a more appropriate opening. Who knew when they would get that chance again?

"May, I think we should talk," he blurted.

Coulson could count on his few remaining natural digits how many times he had seen May with the deer-in-headlights look on her face, but this definitely qualified. As he opened and closed his mouth, trying to form a coherent follow-up, the surprise on her features melted into understanding.

"Phil," she said. "This thing with Piper, it—what I said about being compromised, I wasn't talking about you."

"Okay."

Good. That was something he could work with.

"She's a kid," May continued. "She doesn't… she can't understand what having a relationship with someone you work with means."

This was as close as they had come to putting a name to whatever it was they had been inching towards these last few weeks. It was the closest thing to tangible proof that this was not entirely wishful thinking on his part.

Coulson got up from his desk and sat next to her on the bed. The old mattress sagged in the middle and pushed them closer together until their thighs were touching.

"Do you think we should talk about what it means?" He asked.

On some level, he knew that he had that same hopeful look that poor Agent Piper had earlier today. Even though he was her best friend and a seasoned agent, in some ways he was in the same position. All of his hopes hung by a thread and it was up to her to either reach out or cut the line.

She raised a hand to the side of his face and stroked his temple with her thumb and he felt the tension drain out of him. He leaned against her hand and closed his eyes. When her lips brushed against hers, his eyes flew open in surprise. He caught the slightest hint of mischievous satisfaction in her own expression before he closed them again. She pulled him in tight and drew back an inch.

"I'm not great with words or talking through feelings, Phil," she whispered. "But I'm pretty good with other things. If you'll let me."

Coulson swallowed.

There was no doubt in his mind that she'd be _great_ at "other things."

But she had brought something up today that he couldn't ignore.

"I know," he said. "I mean, I'm sure you—we would be good… You're making this hard."

May raised an eyebrow.

"Okay," he groaned. "I walked into that one."

He reached for the hand that she rested on his neck and held it in front of them.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I'm… afraid," he admitted.

"Of this?" She asked, perplexed.

"No."

How was he going to explain this?

"I'm afraid of losing you," he said.

"Phil," she sighed. "You can't lose something you never had."

"Exactly," he muttered.

He hated how that sad smile she wore reflected just how much she understood what he meant. She knew him better than anyone on the planet could or ever would. He hated that he was this close to the person who knew and loved him the most and couldn't take that final step.

"There's a reason we haven't crossed this line before, May," he continued.

May withdrew a little and nodded.

She knew.

There were several reasons: the job, protocol, her marriage, his death, the lies, the demands of their rank, but underneath all of that there was the fear of loss. They were soldiers in a never-ending war was as unpredictable as it was lethal. How could you fall in love with anyone who could die at your side at any time?

"You're right," she said. "There are a lot of reasons. But I don't care. Not anymore."

He would have asked what had changed, but she anticipated his question.

"I missed you," she said simply. "Not just when you disappeared, before that. When you and Mack left to look for Daisy. It was… I missed you."

"That's it?" He asked.

May colored slightly.

"You're the one who wanted to talk," she murmured. "I told you I'm not good at—

"No, it's just—if I had known that was all it would take, I would have left earlier," he joked.

Her smile was genuine, but short-lived.

"It's your call, Phil," she said. "It's not going to make our jobs easier, but I'd regret not trying more than I would anything else. What about you?"

He covered her lips with his and pulled her on top of him, making his decision.

She was right. If they were going to lose each other, he was not going to leave her or himself with anything to regret.

* * *

Black-and-white feeds of security feeds played on a bank of monitors covering the wall, but only one drew her focus.

She watched helplessly as the two figures undressed each other. The woman's back arched and her mouth parted in a silent moan as she took him inside of her body. Coulson pulled her close to him and whispered something in her ear.

For once, Melinda May was relieved at the lack of sound capabilities on the surveillance equipment. She turned away from the scene unfolding in her partner's bedroom and swallowed the acrid bile that threatened to choke her.

"Okay," said an accented voice from behind her. "Well, that definitely complicates things. We chose May in part because she wasn't in a relationship. He's going to notice."

"Agent Coulson should not be able to detect a discrepancy," a second voice replied. "The LMD's neural programming is identical to that of Agent May. The decoy is simply continuing behavioral patterns and social queues that had already been established."

May turned around the chair that she had been handcuffed to and faced her captors. Holden Radcliffe and AIDA stared back at her with matching expressions of detached curiosity. She poured every ounce of the poison she felt eating a hole inside of her into her glare.

"I will kill you for this," she growled.

Radcliffe frowned and took a cautious step back while AIDA looked on impassively.

May's neck still ached from where the android had landed the blow that incapacitated her. That _thing_ that she once believed was human had proven to be a deadly and nearly impervious combatant.

"And if I don't get the chance," she continued, hazarding a glance back at the screen where Coulson and the LMD were locked in a tangled embrace. "Then he will."

* * *

 **Thanks for reading, you guys! I'm super-excited to see where this next part goes. It's getting REAL(er)!**


End file.
